The 1st boyfriend

I was 14 years old and was still being abused by my father when I met him. I was in art the teacher said we had too many people at our table someone had to move. I got up because I knew I would not be missed any way. I walked over to an empty table because the only people I wasn’t afraid of was at the table I just left, I didn’t mind being alone even with people all around me I was alone any way. Then he came and sat with me, he was kind and sweet. Day after day he would sit with me just the two of us I started to get a crush before long. We played after school in a field tag and hid and seek. Time passed and he was so sweet he came over one day after school and we wear lying on my bed, we had not done any when my dad burst in and began to scream at me because I had not cleaned the kitchen well enough. It was that day I told him what my dad had been doing, after that I was tied to him, he was there as I told, and I was there as his mom was dying of cancer, we faced my house burning his dad’s drunkenness and I felt as if we had no choice but to be together. We wear having sex under a month of dating as I thought I had to and he never said I didn’t. Once he knew I would not leave him he changed how to talked to me.

                 No longer would he just say “I love you “it became, Even though you’re not very smart I love you, Even though you’re not skinny I think you’re pretty” I told him I thought I was pretty too and that I wasn’t fat he told me well compared to other girls you are bigger now and that’s ok I think your pretty. I had gotten bigger because of the depo I had to be on so we could have sex. I began to see what he meant once he said that I saw how other girls were smaller, and I knew I wasn’t very smart because of my dyslexia. He did these little implants in my mind slowly over time until I stopped thinking all together. After my house burnt down because of a candle he light I was still numb it was the year after I had told on my father and my best friend…my cat had died in that fire, I was staying at his house as ours got fixed. He invited the nabor girl over and licked her out in front of me he wanted to have the tree of us do something but I was so numb I didn’t feel anything, besides she was an very rude girl, I saw no beauty in on a good day. After they were done and she left it hit me how he just cheated on me in front of me and he said it’s my fault it’s not like he didn’t ask first. Just as my dad has said the abuse he had done was my fault because I could of just told him to stop. This somehow made it worse. He would go out swimming with her and when he came back he would brag how she begged him for more but he did not give it to her. His words made me feel sick. When he would say he was going to see her I wished he would not go but it was my fault after all so it would be wrong of me to stop him as he had been her friend longer. Years went on and whenever there was a choice to be made he made it, my pay checks went into a joint account and so I knew nothing of the bills. He would pretend to tell me what they wear how we did not have enough money to get things I wanted…mainly cola I didn’t want a lot. Later I learned the numbers were a lie he just didn’t want me to know how much he was spending on himself. Whenever he wanted a game it was on sale for 15 or so how could he not get it there normally 50 or 60 and he was never out of pot of course he said his friends just gave it to him how could he say no? I was nobody I was an empty shell with no thoughts of my own I hated myself and I was lucky to have him. I was a worthless piece of shit too fat and dumb to do anything on my own. My mom told me that even my sister worried how I would ever get by if he left me I wouldn’t know how to pay the bills and I could no drive. Mom agreed. ( Mom lied my sister never said that)  No one believed in me why should I?

                At first I would spend all my free time asleep. Of course I had to have sex at least twice a week or His balls would hurt so badly he could not sit down. When I was 21 I began a “game” called second life I thought it was like playing with dolls but on the computer so more fun less work! I met people from all over the world here and they would ask me what I thought? I don’t I would tell him as I thought it was common. Sometimes I forgot I was even in the room to be honest. When I looked at myself it felt odd because I did not recognize myself. They keep asking, when they built something what I thought. When I said I don’t think… it’s nice? They would say why is it nice? What could be better? They said they wanted to make it better my option helps, that everyone thinks and its ok to say my thoughts they would not be hurt.

                They could not understand I did not think they would not accept this so I tried. I started to think, I started to feel things other than pain for the first time in years. The more I did this the more I wanted to be on second life the less I wanted to be around him. He saw this so he fought for my love now he had spent too much time making me his “yes girl” so he proposed I said yes because I thought I had to, he often sat over my shoulder and read what I was doing who I was talking to but saw no harm as I was making houses and playing with a fox, a robot and a guy I told him was gay. The more I played the more I thought until one night I went to him full on tears for fear of change and I told him I think we needed to split up. I was week still but felt he was not good for me. He asked me why I told him I did not think I was happy with him and I wanted to be happy before I have kids. I had always planned to have kids. We went back and forth the emotions all at once my face was hot my head spinning then he ended it saying if I left him he may hurt himself he could not handle it. So I dropped it.

                 After a few more weeks seeing him the way he talked to me, the way he would yell at me for any mistake. If I misplaced the thumb drive I was, “So fucking stupid, I was trying to make him fail collage and what the fuck was I thinking!” I think that’s why I sleep so much If I was asleep I was not messing up. One time he was so mad I lost my permit he screamed at me for over an hour. After we broke up I found it onto of the cabinets he must of hidden it.  He knew once I brought up leaving it was serous so he got me a new pc. I began charging him for sex so I could buy money in second life. 5$ a bang as that’s the lowest amount you could upload. I could not stand him anymore it was like a toxic cloud.

                 So I tried again I told him I think we need to split up. This time he did not even ask why he must of thought of this he must of known I would come back to this he told me violence runs in his family and if I keep saying things like this he may end up hurting me, that he would not have any control over this. I stopped talking I did not know he was making things up as I thought his balls hurt if we didn’t have sex enough and that he thought he could turn into a werewolf but that’s for a longer story. He began to have sex with me in the morning before I woke up, I would wake up with him onto of me, when ever we had sex I would cover my face I was ahamed. I told him I did not like that please do not have sex with me with out my permission, he said he was sorry he thought I liked it. The next morning he did it again, I didn’t know what to do I was traped so I looked away into the pillow so he could not see my face as I cried quietly into the pillow. The next night I stayed up until 5 minutes before he was getting up at 5 am then I went to bed I rolled up in the blankets soo tightly he could not do anything. I felt him tug at the blankets and try but he gave up he had to get ready for work. This had worked so for weeks I did this I would sleep from 5am till almost 7am before I had to be up. I was living on 2 hours of sleep. My emotions were high and I was becoming afraid of him.

                 Soon after his sister moved in with us she saw how much I could not stand him and how I was not sweet to him anymore. She convinced him I wasn’t worth his time that I was just holding him back. So he came to me and agreed to let me go but he would need a month living in my home to find an apartment and he was taking the car because he could drive. A few days later he asked to walk with me to ask questions why I had wanted to leave him. His sister said to me just go you owe him that much, so I did. He wanted to know how I broke free so the next girl he went after could not do the same I think. I knew this so I tried to answer as vaguely as possible and that was ok after all I’m stupid. Once he was ok to be septet he placed my pc in my room and said he would take the living room, kitchen his sister the other bed room and we can share the bathroom until they found a place. I was sitting alone in my room, and I began to cry, I was so happy I slowly felt the weight lift up of from my I felt lighter I felt as if freedom was washing over me I saw sunlight right there in my room washing over me, though I know it was not I saw it I was free. Even if he was in the same house he was not in my bed, I was going to be able to live now. When he did find a place he took everything he wanted and left me with whatever was left I was mad but mostly happy he was gone. I was free after he had been gone a week or so I stayed up and danced in my undies with my music loud I felt so alive. The next morning I woke up I saw my lawn chair had been moved to the base of my stars someone had been there I knew it was him. So I took my Halloween hair spray and blacked out my windows. I could not really lock my doors they were broken. I started sleeping with a baseball bat.

After we broke up he began seeing the same therapist I was and he heard I said he raped me, he said he never did. I said when I was asleep he would take advantage and that was rape because I had told him not to, she told him that and he asked we do a joint session. I was so scared to see him I felt sick I had the runs all day but I want because I knew if I did not he would come to me and at least I would have the therapist there this time. He explained he did not see it as rape, I was shacking some tears exacted me he asked why I looked so sad. I didn’t want him to know how much he scared me I had to pull it together and I told him how it was rape. I had class so we all climbed in the therapist truck she was taking the apt on the road so I could get to class, She had told me she would take me so I could make the apt and my class as we neared he said he was sorry and asked if I accepted his apology. I said no. He and the therapist were shocked. They tried again and I said No I do not accept your apology they I got out and went to class. He said sorry but never admitted to the rapes.

                Mom stayed friends with him until he was to busy for her, my ex therapist still thinks he’s just such a great guy. I know the truth and I will never let someone like him into my life. Turns out I was not the piece of shit in my story.